Friday, 23 May 2014

Days with depression

It has been more than two years since I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorder. What triggered it was my moving to Kongsberg to attend university in 2011. It happened very fast. In a couple of months I lost more than 10kg in weight, suffered daily panic attacks and started having sleep problems. I moved home after I finished my exams in May/June 2012, but it was already too late.

In December 2012 I started taking Citalopram for my problems.
In January 2013 I started exposure therapy for my anxiety (which is linked to my emetophobia). I did this for seven months and it helped a lot with the phobia, although my anxiety remains to some extent.

Recently I've been getting worse. Last week I started taking Remeron/Mirtazepine in addition to my other medicine, but I had to stop because it made me feel dizzy and drugged and it's exam season. I have daily consultations with my therapist. I get panic attacks when I'm around people and my therapist and I are now discussing the possibility of having me admitted to hospital... I never wanted it to get this bad - well, of course I didn't. But it did.

This past Tuesday I actually got a dog. A tiny little Yorkshire Terrier puppy that I named Nicco. He was going to be my saviour, my ray of sunshine. I believed it, my therapist believed it, my family believed it. And what happened? I had a major breakdown, cried for 24 hours, had difficulty breathing, couldn't speak. The responsibility was too overwhelming and after only a day of owning the most perfect little dog in the world, my mum had to help me find a foster home for him. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm a failure and I feel like a failure no matter how much my therapist and family tell me I'm not. It's so hard to believe that I'll ever get better.

Well, this has been a very personal post, but like my mum says: "Sharing a problem makes the burden easier to bear." I know I'm not the only one to suffer from these mental problems, so maybe one of you have experienced something similar? Would you like to share (anonymously or public)? ♡


  1. I've been lucky enough to never have experienced panic attacks myself and I hope you feel better soon. It sounds really cliché and boring, but you're a really kind person who deserves to be happy and healthy and I really hope you don't give up. You're not a failure. Just like everyone else, you're a work in progress, meaning you get there one step at a time and not all at once. As long as you keep walking, you will get there and you will heal. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself! I know people are often their own worst critics and it sucks that it's like that, but it doesn't have to be this way. Take it easy and remember that it's okay not to be okay right now, as long as you know that you will be okay eventually - someday, someway, somehow. I'm rooting for you! xo

  2. Mia, I am sorry to hear your story above, but you are very brave to put it all out there in the open. I think this helps - openness. I actually take citalopram at the moment for anxiety/depression - only a low dose 20mgs. It seems to work well for me! I've had issues on and off with anxiety in particular for over 20yrs. I was once admitted to hospital for 5 days too. I seem to be managing pretty fine at the moment (keeping everything crossed). A few years ago, I started back on tablets again cos my anxiety had built up and at work I was getting scared to pick up the telephone to speak to ratepayers. I was shaking, palpitations and could not speak. Above all dont feel a failiure, keep trying, tomorrow is another day. Time is a great healer for stuff like this. If you feel you take steps backwards, next month you may take strides forwards! Time passes all the time the clock is ticking and you have to just keep going and you will make it. As for the puppy, they are very demanding and can drive you to despair, you may have found an older dog easier. Our dog is 1 now, we love him, but he drove us so demented in the first week, on one day we wanted to return him, was mass hysteria and in the end we ended up having a drink and it all got sorted out. I find it hard to give advice, cos each case is different, but medication does help, take it - dont give a shit what anybody thinks - talk to your therapist/sister/mum - they will give you good advice. Lol xx
    From The Sea Devil - @andygriffiths68

  3. Hey Mia!! I feel so bad now I've read this, I had no idea it had gotten this serious. I'm not sure what to say, but I wanted to reply anyway. I just really wish I was somehow closer to you so I could help you. If there's anything I can do, please tell me. You can always talk to me, whenever. I really hope you will get better and know that you are a great person and you have every right to be super happy <3 Good luck! Xx

  4. I'm sorry to hear about this Mia!
    Just take one day at a time, every morning when you wake have a goal or a saying which you can keep referring back during the day, take a deep breath, play your favourite music. My life has been up and down over the last 6 year and I know I was feeling down during times. But just take it easy, stay positive.
    I always found meditation helped for me as it cleared my mind and my troubles :)
    Well I wish you all the deer best for the future ahead, good luck!
    <3 <3 <3
    ~There's always a light at the end of the tunnel~